Aug 4

Aug 4 Parsvottanasana

Barbie: "Hi! I'm Cheerleader Barbie! I'm taking my first yoga class today. I'm a little nervous about it. I talk a lot when I'm nervous! Did you know that some people think that yoga clears your mind, but if your mind is clear, that means Jesus is gone, too, and Satan can slip in and take over your soul?"

Spiderman: "Well, uh, I've never seen it happen, but I guess that doesn't mean it hasn't."

Barbie: "Omigod, are you kidding? You're totally kidding, right? Please say you're kidding or I will be So. Freaked. Out."

Spiderman: "Wow, hey, it's cool."

Barbie: "I'm totally freaked! Should I, like, start praying furiously RIGHT THIS SECOND?"

Spiderman: "Well, normally, before we begin an Ashtanga class we stand together and chant for a bit, is that all right? That might do the trick."

Barbie: "Is chanting like praying?"

Spiderman: "Kind of. I mean, yoga isn't strictly a religious practice, but it's a practice that can enhance and bring you closer to your own spirituality. That's the party line, anyway."

Barbie: "Well, you know what, I already said a whole BUNCH of prayers before you even got here, so I guess I'm ready to go."

Spider-man: "Oh. Okay. Well, let's just start then. I like your outfit, by the way."

Barbie: "Thanks! I am totally positive about yoga. Except for, you know, the part where you have to fight off Satan. But I think I can do it."

Spiderman: "I doubt you'll see Satan, but if you see a dude with blue skin let me know, it might be Nightcrawler. I owe him some money."

Spiderman: "Okay, paarsvottanasana means "intense side stretch pose," so what you need to do first is step your feet about three feet apart and get your hands behind your back in reverse namaste."

Barbie: "Reverse namaste? What's that?"

Spiderman: "It's like -- it's like when you put your hands together in prayer, but you slide them up behind you, between your shoulderblades."

Barbie: "Ohmygod, reverse prayer position? That is totally the position of Satan."

Spider-man: "Uh, I never thought of it that way . . . "

Barbie: "Okay, listen, don't worry, I'm totally badass bendy, if Satan comes in I will get all up in his business, okay? But is it okay if I lean up against the wall while we do this?"

Spider-man: "Why do you need the wall?"

Barbie: "Because I can't stand up on my stupid feet."

Spider-man: "Whoa!"

Barbie: "See what I mean? I mean, I look really hot in heels but I'm screwed if I need to find a pair of sneakers that fit."

Spider-man: "Yeah, I can see how that'd be a problem . . ."

Barbie: "So, if you could just support me while I get into position?"

Spider-man: "Uh, okay."

Barbie: "Is this right? Are my hands in the right place?"

Spider-man: "Brahmacharya, brahmacharya, brahmacharya."

Spiderman: "Okay, exhale and bend over your right leg."

Barbie: "Like this?"

Spiderman: "Get thee behind me, Satan!"

Barbie: "How cute is it that you said that? Now, how long do I stay down here?"

Spider-man: "Give me a minute."

Barbie: "What?"

Spider-man: "I mean, five to eight breaths."

Barbie: "Whew! I came up too fast!"

Spider-man: "Ah, you're experiencing some phenomena?"

Barbie: "Wow, what a trip! This yoga shit is off the hook!"

Spider-man: "Okay, now reverse your feet and on an exhale tip your torso over your left leg. Five to eight breaths here."

Barbie: "Oh, yeah, this feels so great! I want to go deeper, baby, oh, yeah, deeper, yeah . . ."

Spider-man: "Help . . . me . . . Krishna."

Barbie: "Whew! That was great! I am totally going to tell all my friends about yoga. I'm going to get my whole squad in here for your next class. They're going to love it! We are totally going shopping before we come, too."